Letting it all hang out

Let's just get right down to it, shall we?  I suffer from a mental illness.  I suspect it's been present in my life for almost as long as I can remember, but I don't really remember it becoming stronger than me until sometime in my late teens.  Even then, though, I was able to chalk it up to "hormones", or the stresses of going away to college, or the stresses of being in college.  You get the picture.  I was able to push it aside, and pretend it wasn't there.


It wasn't until early in the summer of 2004 that I really got a sense that there might be something real going on.  One Wednesday, I started feeling mild chest pains.  I figured it couldn't be anything serious...I was only 24, and 24 year olds don't have heart attacks.  Thursday rolled around, and the feelings only got worse.  I had made a first appointment with a new doctor for Friday, so I called them up to see what I should do.  I completely expected them to say, "Oh, just come in tomorrow and we'll check you out" but instead I got a firm, but relatively calm, "Why don't you head on over to an urgent care to have them see what's going on?"  So, I asked a co-worker to drive me (well, I think she insisted) and when we got there, she said she'd be right in, she was going to grab a newspaper to read.  Well, turns out they don't take chest pains lightly, even when you're 24, so when my friend got inside the building, they had already taken me back to be examined.  They took my blood pressure, hooked me up to an EKG, and I waited.  My blood pressure is NEVER high, but it definitely was that day, probably because I was freaking the heck out.  After they got me calmed down, all seemed well....heart rhythm, blood pressure, everything, so they sent me home.


Well, I went to the new doctor the next day, and let's just say I'm glad he kept me on for the next 7 years, because I just let it all out.  I was scared, and I needed to hear SOMETHING.  At this point, he mentioned that my pains could be caused by acid reflux, or by anxiety and depression.  It was official at that point...a doctor had used those words about me.  I didn't doubt it at all.  I knew it was true, and it just took being told by a "professional" to make me realize it.

Over the next several months, there were many more tests...more EKGs, echocardiograms, more visits to the ER when I was completely freaking out...visits to GI doctors to see about my acid reflux and possible other problems.  I don't do well with fearing for my health.  Not at all.


Through all of this, though, something awesome happened.  I asked a friend if I could go to church with her one Sunday, as she had invited me in the past.  Of course she said yes, and we went that week.  Little did I know that my brother had been attending that church for a while, and decided to come to a different service that day....the one my friend and I were at.  It was like God was saying, "Here you go!  How many more signs do you need?"  I decided to continue attending.  I decided to really learn about God, and being a Christian, and starting my Christian journey.  I say "starting" because I don't know that I had one single moment of "salvation" like so many do, like my husband does.  But I do remember the day that the ball was set in motion...not by date, but by feeling.  I was in the shower, and singing a song from church, and as I sang these words, I just started crying, knowing that I meant them, and knowing that God was listening:


"And so I come into Your chamber, and I dance at Your feet, Lord.  You are my savior, and I'm at Your mercy.  And all that has been in my life until now belongs to you..."


I wish I could say that the depression and other health issues magically went away, but they didn't.  I continued to struggle with reflux issues, with the depression and anxiety, and then on top of that I had eye surgery to fix a partially detached retina.  But looking back, God was in ALL of those moments, whether I truly believed it at the time or not.  Though I think we all wish that our memories were full of sunshine and rainbows, there's the occasional (or more-than-occasional) storm that gets in the way.  I know all of the storms I've been through have been to make me stronger, to trust God more.  I know that if I hadn't been to the deep, dark places that I've been, that I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine as much as I do.  I wouldn't have known 100% that my husband would stand with me always...because if he could stand with me then--stand FOR me then--then he would be with me through anything.

A few years, some medication, some therapy and a husband later, and I still struggle every day.  I still take my medication.  I haven't found a therapist here yet, but that may come in time.  I know the only thing that hasn't changed is God.  His love and His grace have gotten me to where I am, and I know He'll continue taking me as far as He has planned for me, even though I don't always remember that.

I am not quite sure what--other than God, duh!--compelled me to write this when I should really be sleeping, but here ya go anyways.  I guess sometimes I reckon that there are others who are going through similar situations.  That you're not alone.  A friend of mine from high school has been blogging about some of the troubles in her life, and it really does make me feel better knowing I'm not alone.  Hopefully this will help you in the same way :)