One month

I never really understood why some parents celebrated both a 4 week "birthday" and a 1 month "birthday" with their babies.  I kinda get it now.  There is a distinction, no matter how small.  So here we are, at 1 month.

I started writing the story of it all tonight, but realized I was rushing through it, and wasn't doing it the justice it deserves.  So I'll save that for another day.  

We still don't really know much about why all of this happened, and it's seeming like we never will.  We're not dealing with an incompetent cervix, and the pathology on the placenta came back normal.  I really, really wish we would have had an autopsy done on Nathan, but after the nurse mentioned it to us as a possibility (a few hours before he was even born), no one else brought it up again.  Ever.  And though it crossed my mind a few times during my hospital stay, it wasn't ever when there was someone in the room.  

I know some of you are probably thinking I'm an idiot...forgot to mention autopsy, forgot to take pictures....but please take my word for it....there are just things you don't think of when you're in such a horribly stressful and sad situation.

My OB (who is actually an NP, but she's the one I've seen the most since the beginning, and she's seen me through both losses) is going to talk to one of the doctors to see if she thinks I should undergo any testing myself.  She's also just taken it upon herself to really be an advocate for us, and is trying to find out if there are any pics of Nathan, and if they have a blanket similar to the one he was wrapped in that we can have.  She's also trying to piece together the notes from the day to get a better idea of what may have happened, if that's possible.  We're really lucky to have someone fighting on our side.

I honestly don't know what else to say tonight, but I couldn't let the day go by without recognizing its significance.  I just miss both of my babies so much.