It's like an ambush

Yesterday was the first day that we have been to church since we lost Nathan.  Our pastor and his wife, very sadly, went through a similar experience a few weeks before us, so he and I chatted a bit about it all.  He started off by asking how I was doing, and I went through my typical "I'm mostly good, it just hits out of the blue sometimes" and he replied with something that really hit me...."Yeah, it's like an ambush".  And it is.

I'll be doing fine for hours, sometimes even (almost) an entire day and then WHAM.  It hits.  Yesterday, while I had a few smaller moments, I did really well until we were done decorating the tree.  Jeremy said that the top of the tree didn't look as green as the bottom, which made me worry that the tree may go brown and die, and I started crying.  Ambushed.  It then spiraled downhill into other sad thoughts ("I miss Nathan, he and Jordan will never get to help us decorate a tree..." and things along those lines).  I rebounded fairly quickly for the most part, and thankfully Jeremy didn't call the mental institute.  But still.  Those ambush-y feelings are quite possibly the worst.

Today is 4 weeks.  It feels like it can't have been that long while simultaneously feeling like it was forever ago.  Sometimes the hours feel like days, and the days like weeks.  Sometimes it's comforting to be around people who don't know...especially those who never knew I was pregnant.  But then there are days where I just want to tell everyone what I've been through, as if it would excuse the fact that I'm unable to concentrate/participate/whatever.

I found this website today, thanks to a friend, and I spent way too much time during lunch and my breaks reading it today.  I only say that because I was then on the verge of tears all day.  It's comforting to see that there are women going through this too.  Most of my friends who have been through a miscarriage have either only been through one, have only been through an early loss, and/or have living children also.  Regardless of whether or not they had kids when their miscarriage happened, I still find it a little bit harder to relate because they did, in fact, end up with a living kid or two (or three).  Now, of course that's fantastic for them, and I would never want anything else....but when I'm sitting here childless, it's nice knowing there are other women also sitting childless--though it breaks my heart for them, obviously.  I guess the main thing is not feeling alone, which is how I feel so often.

So far, we still have no answers as to why this happened.  Why my water broke at 17 weeks.  I don't think I was ever EXPECTING answers, but just hoping.  I've not given up yet, as my OB is still doing some investigating, but I'm trying to resign myself to the fact that I probably won't know until the good Lord tells me himself one day.

I'm running behind my self-imposed traditional 7:40pm posting, but I wanted to share a few pictures.  The angel ornament was a gift to us from a sweet friend of mine from high school, and it has Nathan's name and the year.  (We plan on ordering one for Jordan, too)  Then yesterday at Target we found the "n" and "j" ornaments.  We felt it was a nice way to include them in on Christmas, especially since Jordan would be here with us already if he/she had stuck around.