Today I have nothing eloquent or graceful to say. I'm mad. I knew I'd get to the angry stage at one point or another, and here I am. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at God, I'm mad at the doctors and nurses, I'm mad at the hospital, I'm pretty much mad at everyone who was involved in this at all. It's not practical, it's not particularly helpful, but it's the truth. It's my current reality.
I'm mad that I was sick before I got pregnant and didn't know it. I'm mad that that could have possibly caused this to happen. I'm mad that God let us get so far into the pregnancy before we lost him. Why couldn't it have been another early loss? Any loss is painful, trust me, I'm racking them up. But I really have had a much harder time with Nathan. Maybe because he really, truly looked like a baby. Jordan barely began to live before he or she was taken to heaven, but Nathan was around for 4 whole months. I'm simultaneously mad and grateful that I had to actually give birth to him. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. I'm mad that I still had to go through surgery, and that the doctors waited so long that I needed 4 units of blood (that's quite a bit, apparently). I'm mad that the hospital was so incredibly unorganized when dealing with me. I'm mad that Jeremy had to sit and watch the hospital staff freak out because they didn't know how to use the blood warming machines when they were trying to give me blood.
But I know that the anger will subside at some point. Right now, it just turns into sadness. And I guess if I have the choice between being angry and sad, right now, I'd choose angry.
I think what I'm mad about the most right now, is that sometimes I actually forget that this has all happened. For brief, fleeting moments I touch my stomach and then remember he's gone. That's what I'm mad about the most. And sad about the most.
Another Monday. 7:40pm.
Anger is a feeling and feelings aren't bad. And God is big enough to handle it, so don't worry about being mad. Feel it, live through it. And know you are loved by many, many of us out here! I know it's different, but I'm angry with you! And sad too!
ReplyDelete"Hannah Coulter"...."Grief is not a force and has no power to hold. You only bear it. Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stiches in a piece of embroidery."
ReplyDeleteI know I'm late and I'm know it is not much but I am so, so, SO sorry you guys had to go through this. At least he is safe with Our heavenly father until you can see him again. You have every right to feel angry. Just get it out. Huge hugs to both of you. Love you both. ~Ondra
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