Standing on a road I didn't plan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

I've loved this song from the first time I heard it several weeks ago.  It's honest and it's desperate.  It touched my heart in a way no song had in a while.  

What most people don't know is that, at 8 weeks, I was diagnosed with a very unexpected condition.  I was bombarded with a TON of information, which included the possible "damage" to my baby.  Immediate and drastic lifestyle changes began that very day.  To be honest, it SUCKED.  It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, of course, but to have to make any sort of huge changes that rapidly isn't fun.

At 9 weeks, I went for a non-OB doctor's appointment and immediately rushed to my OB due to heavy bleeding.  We just knew it was another miscarriage, and the 40 minutes in the OB's waiting room were torture.  Of course, you have correctly guessed that they found the heartbeat just fine, and our little Nathan was moving all over the place.  At the time, I took a guess that we might be having a girl since "she" was causing such a fuss just to get "her" picture taken again :)

From that point up until November 5th, the pregnancy itself was non-eventful, but the changes I had to make were still annoying.  I would complain about this or that, and some days just didn't want to keep working so hard.  I had to keep thinking about my little baby and how the changes were good for him.

It was in the midst of this frustration that I first heard this song.  I was definitely standing on a road I didn't plan.  Of course I had always planned to be pregnant, but just wasn't expecting it to be so difficult.  Little did I know...

Today (at this moment--7:40pm) marks 2 weeks since we lost Nathan.  While day-to-day life has resumed, and I don't spend every waking moment thinking about him any more, I do get hit with paralyzing pain at random points during the day.  Points that honestly feel like I need to ask God for the strength to just take that next breath.  And even if I don't see it in the moment, I know He will give me the strength for that, and for so much more.

(And if you didn't listen to the song before reading this, go back and listen now.  Seriously.)

Love you, my little Nathan <3