The right words are hard to find

I've been trying for the past 10 days to find the words to explain what happened last Monday.  I want to remember everything, or at least as much as I can, since it was the day our little boy was born and the day he went to be with Jesus.  But every time I try to write things down, I just can't find the right words.  I'm trying to at least capture the details, the events, the timeline so that I can fill it in later.  What I do want to share tonight might be TMI, so proceed with that knowledge:

He had the most perfect little nose.  I don't remember much else about his tiny face (and I don't think the hospital took pictures of him like they said they would, but I'm still holding out a little hope), but his nose was tiny and perfect.

He was really, really small....but he just looked like a super-tiny baby.  Not an alien like I was afraid of.

I wish I had looked at his hands and feet...but I was afraid to unwrap him.  He was so tiny...only weighed 5 ounces.  Jeremy saw him before he was all wrapped up and said he had 10 perfect little fingers, and 10 perfect little toes.

I am so glad that, even if we don't end up with pictures of him, we took pictures of us holding him.  These were taken at about 4:30am on Tuesday, after my surgery (that will be part of the big story) when we were moved to a recovery room.  That should help explain the incredibly tired looks on our faces.

I wish we had thought to take the beautiful crochet blanket with us, but we forgot.  There's a lot of things you don't think of when you've been through something like this.  As morbid as it sounds, I am totally going to make a list in case, God forbid, this ever happens again.  

Even though we didn't remember to keep it, I'm thankful for the organizations that make blankets for these--and other--medical situations.  I worked with one in Asheville, and plan to start working with one again here in the next few weeks.

I am incredibly thankful that Jeremy thought to grab the little teddy bear that was with Nathan.  It may sound silly, but this little bear has been an incredible source of comfort for me over the past several days.  Laugh if you want, but he even came to work with me today and sat on my desk.  Made me smile every time I looked at him.

I am thankful that we decided to name the baby.  It really has helped to have a name.  Nathan Jeremiah.  Jeremy picked the first name, and I picked the middle name.  It just fits.  In fact, it provided so much comfort that we decided to name our first baby, too.  We never found out the gender of that baby, but looked through some "unisex" names, and chose Jordan.  (Possibly Jordan Christian, but we've mainly just been calling him/her Jordan)

Even though it was painful, I am so glad that I was able to physically give birth to Nathan.  This ensured that we would get to see and hold him.  I hate that the rest of the delivery did NOT go so well, and I ended up in surgery, but being able to see and hold him meant the world.

I'm glad my parents could come down, and that my mom stayed with us for a few days.  She is pretty much the only reason we had real, balanced meals for those days, because Lord knows I had no energy or desire to cook.

I'm glad that Nathan stayed with us in our room until we were discharged.  It was comforting to have him there.

Both of us are insanely grateful for all the prayers, emails, notes, calls, visits, meals, etc.  God has really provided an incredible network of folks for us, and once we actually swallowed our pride and allowed folks to help, we realized how much of a blessing it really is.

I'm thankful for those who donate blood.  I lost a lot of blood during surgery, and needed a transfusion.  Without blood donors, I would definitely not be as healthy as I am now.  Once I'm allowed, I can guarantee you I'll be donating blood much more often!

There's so much more to be thankful for, but this is all I've got for now.  The delicious chicken and dumplings that a friend brought us tonight are calling to me.  I promise there will be more (or maybe that's more of a "threat", hahaha).  But for now....