3 weeks

Today I have nothing eloquent or graceful to say.  I'm mad.  I knew I'd get to the angry stage at one point or another, and here I am.  I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at God, I'm mad at the doctors and nurses, I'm mad at the hospital, I'm pretty much mad at everyone who was involved in this at all.  It's not practical, it's not particularly helpful, but it's the truth.  It's my current reality.

I'm mad that I was sick before I got pregnant and didn't know it.  I'm mad that that could have possibly caused this to happen.  I'm mad that God let us get so far into the pregnancy before we lost him.  Why couldn't it have been another early loss?  Any loss is painful, trust me, I'm racking them up.  But I really have had a much harder time with Nathan.  Maybe because he really, truly looked like a baby.  Jordan barely began to live before he or she was taken to heaven, but Nathan was around for 4 whole months.  I'm simultaneously mad and grateful that I had to actually give birth to him.  It was awful and wonderful all at the same time.  I'm mad that I still had to go through surgery, and that the doctors waited so long that I needed 4 units of blood (that's quite a bit, apparently).  I'm mad that the hospital was so incredibly unorganized when dealing with me.  I'm mad that Jeremy had to sit and watch the hospital staff freak out because they didn't know how to use the blood warming machines when they were trying to give me blood.

But I know that the anger will subside at some point.  Right now, it just turns into sadness.  And I guess if I have the choice between being angry and sad, right now, I'd choose angry.

I think what I'm mad about the most right now, is that sometimes I actually forget that this has all happened.  For brief, fleeting moments I touch my stomach and then remember he's gone.  That's what I'm mad about the most.  And sad about the most.  

Another Monday.  7:40pm.  

Standing on a road I didn't plan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

I've loved this song from the first time I heard it several weeks ago.  It's honest and it's desperate.  It touched my heart in a way no song had in a while.  

What most people don't know is that, at 8 weeks, I was diagnosed with a very unexpected condition.  I was bombarded with a TON of information, which included the possible "damage" to my baby.  Immediate and drastic lifestyle changes began that very day.  To be honest, it SUCKED.  It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, of course, but to have to make any sort of huge changes that rapidly isn't fun.

At 9 weeks, I went for a non-OB doctor's appointment and immediately rushed to my OB due to heavy bleeding.  We just knew it was another miscarriage, and the 40 minutes in the OB's waiting room were torture.  Of course, you have correctly guessed that they found the heartbeat just fine, and our little Nathan was moving all over the place.  At the time, I took a guess that we might be having a girl since "she" was causing such a fuss just to get "her" picture taken again :)

From that point up until November 5th, the pregnancy itself was non-eventful, but the changes I had to make were still annoying.  I would complain about this or that, and some days just didn't want to keep working so hard.  I had to keep thinking about my little baby and how the changes were good for him.

It was in the midst of this frustration that I first heard this song.  I was definitely standing on a road I didn't plan.  Of course I had always planned to be pregnant, but just wasn't expecting it to be so difficult.  Little did I know...

Today (at this moment--7:40pm) marks 2 weeks since we lost Nathan.  While day-to-day life has resumed, and I don't spend every waking moment thinking about him any more, I do get hit with paralyzing pain at random points during the day.  Points that honestly feel like I need to ask God for the strength to just take that next breath.  And even if I don't see it in the moment, I know He will give me the strength for that, and for so much more.

(And if you didn't listen to the song before reading this, go back and listen now.  Seriously.)

Love you, my little Nathan <3

The right words are hard to find

I've been trying for the past 10 days to find the words to explain what happened last Monday.  I want to remember everything, or at least as much as I can, since it was the day our little boy was born and the day he went to be with Jesus.  But every time I try to write things down, I just can't find the right words.  I'm trying to at least capture the details, the events, the timeline so that I can fill it in later.  What I do want to share tonight might be TMI, so proceed with that knowledge:

He had the most perfect little nose.  I don't remember much else about his tiny face (and I don't think the hospital took pictures of him like they said they would, but I'm still holding out a little hope), but his nose was tiny and perfect.

He was really, really small....but he just looked like a super-tiny baby.  Not an alien like I was afraid of.

I wish I had looked at his hands and feet...but I was afraid to unwrap him.  He was so tiny...only weighed 5 ounces.  Jeremy saw him before he was all wrapped up and said he had 10 perfect little fingers, and 10 perfect little toes.

I am so glad that, even if we don't end up with pictures of him, we took pictures of us holding him.  These were taken at about 4:30am on Tuesday, after my surgery (that will be part of the big story) when we were moved to a recovery room.  That should help explain the incredibly tired looks on our faces.

I wish we had thought to take the beautiful crochet blanket with us, but we forgot.  There's a lot of things you don't think of when you've been through something like this.  As morbid as it sounds, I am totally going to make a list in case, God forbid, this ever happens again.  

Even though we didn't remember to keep it, I'm thankful for the organizations that make blankets for these--and other--medical situations.  I worked with one in Asheville, and plan to start working with one again here in the next few weeks.

I am incredibly thankful that Jeremy thought to grab the little teddy bear that was with Nathan.  It may sound silly, but this little bear has been an incredible source of comfort for me over the past several days.  Laugh if you want, but he even came to work with me today and sat on my desk.  Made me smile every time I looked at him.

I am thankful that we decided to name the baby.  It really has helped to have a name.  Nathan Jeremiah.  Jeremy picked the first name, and I picked the middle name.  It just fits.  In fact, it provided so much comfort that we decided to name our first baby, too.  We never found out the gender of that baby, but looked through some "unisex" names, and chose Jordan.  (Possibly Jordan Christian, but we've mainly just been calling him/her Jordan)

Even though it was painful, I am so glad that I was able to physically give birth to Nathan.  This ensured that we would get to see and hold him.  I hate that the rest of the delivery did NOT go so well, and I ended up in surgery, but being able to see and hold him meant the world.

I'm glad my parents could come down, and that my mom stayed with us for a few days.  She is pretty much the only reason we had real, balanced meals for those days, because Lord knows I had no energy or desire to cook.

I'm glad that Nathan stayed with us in our room until we were discharged.  It was comforting to have him there.

Both of us are insanely grateful for all the prayers, emails, notes, calls, visits, meals, etc.  God has really provided an incredible network of folks for us, and once we actually swallowed our pride and allowed folks to help, we realized how much of a blessing it really is.

I'm thankful for those who donate blood.  I lost a lot of blood during surgery, and needed a transfusion.  Without blood donors, I would definitely not be as healthy as I am now.  Once I'm allowed, I can guarantee you I'll be donating blood much more often!

There's so much more to be thankful for, but this is all I've got for now.  The delicious chicken and dumplings that a friend brought us tonight are calling to me.  I promise there will be more (or maybe that's more of a "threat", hahaha).  But for now....