First of all, I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has prayed for us and given us words of encouragement through this time. You will never know how much it meant to us!
The follow-up to the last post is that the physical side is now officially over, and I couldn't be more thankful for that. My body miscarried last Tuesday, but wasn't able to pass everything, so I had surgery last Friday. Leave it to me to need to go down BOTH roads. :)
So now we're just taking our next steps. And most of the time, I really have no idea what those steps are. God is the light guiding our steps, and one of the things that oftentimes annoys me about that is that sometimes, the light He gives is just barely enough to see where our feet our now. I'm forced to remember what the pastor at the church we've been attending said one Sunday. You'll hear many people say "God will never give you more than you can handle". Well, that's just simply not true. The truth is that God will ALWAYS give us more than we can handle....but He'll never give us more than HE can handle. So, if I can trust in Him, and give these troubles to Him, then that will help this journey that I'm on (that WE'RE on).
I know there will be tough days, and there will be happy days. And I know that some days will be both. I think the thing I'm dreading the most now is October, since that's when our little one was schedule to make his or her appearance into this world. But, then I remember another quote that I've heard somewhere...worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows; it empties today of its strength.
We would be honored and humbled if you'd continue to pray for us. We have other things going on as well--both happy and stressful--but obviously the miscarriage is top of the list.
The good: We're building a house! Well, there's no actual building happening yet, but hopefully that will start soon. While this is exciting, there's also all the stress that goes along with this type of project.
The bad: I've not really found anywhere to use my voice. Those of you who know me well know how sad that makes me. I was so blessed to be able to sing with an amazing praise band at our church in Asheville, but just haven't found that here yet. The church we're attending has let me sing with them a few times, but they just don't use background vocals very often. We really like the church so far, so we're hesitant to leave, but I know that God would have me use my voice for Him, so I just need help finding a place to do this.
The ugly: Well, this is more of an "unnamed" request. But God knows what it is.
Again...thanks to all who have taken even an ounce of time to think of us and pray for us. There's no way we'd be getting through this without you!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
New Chapter
Well, it's been a while. And so much has happened. And it's not the kind of stuff you normally talk about with people. And I've decided why NOT talk about it? I mean, many, MANY people go through this, and what if they hear that I've been through it and they feel they have someone they can talk to? Or what if it helps them feel like they're not alone? Not to mention, why shouldn't I be able to share this, get it off my chest, and help free me so that I can move on with a new chapter?
So it's in this spirit that I share with you...
I'm having a miscarriage. WE'RE having a miscarriage.
I say it that way because it still has not really happened yet. It's going to--naturally or with surgery--but it just hasn't yet. And let me tell you, I think that's been the worst part of it all.
We found out in February (over my birthday weekend actually) that I was pregnant. I was through the moon. Jeremy was in shock. :) We spent the next week or so trying to understand what was really going on (and I spent the next week or so taking several tests because I just didn't believe it was true!). I went to my first doctor's appointment a few days later, to establish myself as a patient, and read everything they gave me about being pregnant! I signed up for newsletters and trackers and was obsessed with what was going on with my little one every day. It's intestines are forming? AWESOME!
I started feeling a little less excited and a little more anxious probably around 5-6 weeks. It's not abnormal for me to worry about EVERYTHING, so I tried not to think anything of it. I do think looking back that I knew what was going on.
We went for our first ultrasound at 7w2d, and I'm SO GLAD that Jeremy got to come with me, because like I just said, I really think I knew it wasn't going to be good news. As soon as the ultrasound started, and I saw the screen, I just knew. I had looked up pictures of ultrasounds for "normal" pregnancies at the 7w mark and none of them looked like that. The ultrasound technician didn't say anything (other than "your ovaries look good" which sort of turned into the running comment of the day, which was odd). Even Jeremy knew, probably because I made him look at pictures of "normal" ultrasounds for days before our appointment. There wasn't a heartbeat. Finally the technician said that the baby was measuring behind at 5w4d, and the doctor would talk to us in a few minutes.
The doctor took a few minutes and explained the same thing, that the baby was measuring behind and that there wasn't a heartbeat. (She also praised my ovaries. It was still strange.) She got me scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound the next week, because if the baby was indeed growing, there should be a heartbeat by then (this would have meant that my dates were off, and I got pregnant later than I thought, but I knew that wasn't true).
That first week was an incredible blur. Not only was there the obvious sadness of what was likely happening, but I had only been off my medicine (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety) for 3 days when we got the bad news. The doctors had wanted me to go off the meds for the health of the baby, and I had finally weaned myself off. And then this. I was doing really well without the meds until some serious stress hit! I could hardly concentrate at work, I wasn't sleeping no matter how tired I was. It was rough.
The worst part is the anger I felt (and to some extent still feel) towards God. Why would He do this to us? Why did I have so many people in my life who were pregnant, which is just a constant reminder of what I'm missing? Wasn't it perfect? We found out we were pregnant for my birthday, and the baby was due in the month we got married. It just seemed too perfect to end like this.
The week FINALLY went by and I went back to the doctor (my mom was kind enough to drive down to come with me since Jeremy couldn't get off of work). Of course, the news was exactly what I expected. Still no heartbeat, no bloodflow. I managed to be mostly OK that day. And for a day or two after that. But then it was downhill again. While I had come to terms as much as possible with WHAT was happening, I was not doing well with the fact that it WASN'T happening. I'm going to spare you random details about all of this, but suffice it to say it STILL hasn't happened. And now I'm going batty. I really wanted to get through this experience without having surgery, but it may not be the case. I'm completely losing my mind just not knowing when it's going to happen, and not being able to move on. Really hard to move on when my body's not moving on.
So that's about got us caught up to today. I go back in tomorrow for another appointment and hopefully figure out what I need to do. My goal is for this to be over this week one way or the other, though I might not have control over that, ha!
I wish I could end this post with "...and now that God has revealed [insert incredibly powerful sentiment here], I know this has been for a higher purpose". I am SOOO not there yet, and I'm trying to remind myself that's OK. I do know in my heart that there is a higher purpose. I do know in my heart that God wouldn't give me this if He couldn't bring me through it one way or the other. But I'm just not to the point where I can live that truth yet. All I can hope and pray for right now is that I do get to that point.
So it's in this spirit that I share with you...
I'm having a miscarriage. WE'RE having a miscarriage.
I say it that way because it still has not really happened yet. It's going to--naturally or with surgery--but it just hasn't yet. And let me tell you, I think that's been the worst part of it all.
We found out in February (over my birthday weekend actually) that I was pregnant. I was through the moon. Jeremy was in shock. :) We spent the next week or so trying to understand what was really going on (and I spent the next week or so taking several tests because I just didn't believe it was true!). I went to my first doctor's appointment a few days later, to establish myself as a patient, and read everything they gave me about being pregnant! I signed up for newsletters and trackers and was obsessed with what was going on with my little one every day. It's intestines are forming? AWESOME!
I started feeling a little less excited and a little more anxious probably around 5-6 weeks. It's not abnormal for me to worry about EVERYTHING, so I tried not to think anything of it. I do think looking back that I knew what was going on.
We went for our first ultrasound at 7w2d, and I'm SO GLAD that Jeremy got to come with me, because like I just said, I really think I knew it wasn't going to be good news. As soon as the ultrasound started, and I saw the screen, I just knew. I had looked up pictures of ultrasounds for "normal" pregnancies at the 7w mark and none of them looked like that. The ultrasound technician didn't say anything (other than "your ovaries look good" which sort of turned into the running comment of the day, which was odd). Even Jeremy knew, probably because I made him look at pictures of "normal" ultrasounds for days before our appointment. There wasn't a heartbeat. Finally the technician said that the baby was measuring behind at 5w4d, and the doctor would talk to us in a few minutes.
The doctor took a few minutes and explained the same thing, that the baby was measuring behind and that there wasn't a heartbeat. (She also praised my ovaries. It was still strange.) She got me scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound the next week, because if the baby was indeed growing, there should be a heartbeat by then (this would have meant that my dates were off, and I got pregnant later than I thought, but I knew that wasn't true).
That first week was an incredible blur. Not only was there the obvious sadness of what was likely happening, but I had only been off my medicine (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety) for 3 days when we got the bad news. The doctors had wanted me to go off the meds for the health of the baby, and I had finally weaned myself off. And then this. I was doing really well without the meds until some serious stress hit! I could hardly concentrate at work, I wasn't sleeping no matter how tired I was. It was rough.
The worst part is the anger I felt (and to some extent still feel) towards God. Why would He do this to us? Why did I have so many people in my life who were pregnant, which is just a constant reminder of what I'm missing? Wasn't it perfect? We found out we were pregnant for my birthday, and the baby was due in the month we got married. It just seemed too perfect to end like this.
The week FINALLY went by and I went back to the doctor (my mom was kind enough to drive down to come with me since Jeremy couldn't get off of work). Of course, the news was exactly what I expected. Still no heartbeat, no bloodflow. I managed to be mostly OK that day. And for a day or two after that. But then it was downhill again. While I had come to terms as much as possible with WHAT was happening, I was not doing well with the fact that it WASN'T happening. I'm going to spare you random details about all of this, but suffice it to say it STILL hasn't happened. And now I'm going batty. I really wanted to get through this experience without having surgery, but it may not be the case. I'm completely losing my mind just not knowing when it's going to happen, and not being able to move on. Really hard to move on when my body's not moving on.
So that's about got us caught up to today. I go back in tomorrow for another appointment and hopefully figure out what I need to do. My goal is for this to be over this week one way or the other, though I might not have control over that, ha!
I wish I could end this post with "...and now that God has revealed [insert incredibly powerful sentiment here], I know this has been for a higher purpose". I am SOOO not there yet, and I'm trying to remind myself that's OK. I do know in my heart that there is a higher purpose. I do know in my heart that God wouldn't give me this if He couldn't bring me through it one way or the other. But I'm just not to the point where I can live that truth yet. All I can hope and pray for right now is that I do get to that point.
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