OK, we all know I'm not a mom yet. So this isn't about me. And I have to admit that there is a partly selfish motive to this post!
If you've read my other posts, you've probably heard me mention Money Saving Mom's website. I've learned a lot from her...not just about getting good deals and couponing, but about money in general, and remembering that it's GOD's money, not mine....He's just letting me be in charge of it.
Well....she's releasing a book!
I'm actually excited about it!! Her knowledge comes the ol' fashioned way--by living it! She's definitely worked hard with her family, and by God's grace, has pulled through! I encourage you, at the very least, to read her blog. And, if you resonate with the struggles she's been through--and continues to go through, no one's perfect!--then consider buying the book. I dont' think you'll be sorry. :)
We'll be back to our regularly scheduled rambling this weekend :)
I’m starting this as a word document at work, while some processes are running behind the scenes that are keeping me from doing my job at this moment. :)
I’ve been filled with worry today. Lots of worry, about many different things. Not all worry, some just thinking. Like this for example….I was thinking today about how sometimes, I’d much rather be drinking tea/milk/soda than the water I am kinda forcing myself to drink to stay hydrated. Then I thought about the millions (billions?) of people around the world who don’t have access to clean water. Or, if they do, it’s half a day’s trek to get to it. And all I have to do is walk down a hallway. Let’s just say that snapped me right back into perspective on this one.
(Oh, and by the way, that’s all I got typed before lunch. Once the processes stopped running, it was full speed ahead. Eating lunch now, lest you think I have nothing to do at work, lol)
So, for the worry part……well, I just worry. I do. I try not to. But I do. I remember being young and being worried when my dad wasn’t home from work when he was supposed to be. Someone in my family (one of my uncles, I think) gave me a worry rock…a smooth stone that I could hold, rub, whatever when I was worried. The point was probably to take my mind off of the worry. I can’t remember if that worked or not. Apparently not in the long term.
Especially now that I’m a Christian, I know I’m not supposed to worry. I mean, it’s spelled right out in the bible! Matthew, chapter 6…
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
That’s pretty clear right there. Yet, I can’t seem to grasp it. I’ve had a few situations lately that have had me worried, and I’ve seen birds, and it’s made me think of verse 26 above. So I know God is trying to help me work through this. Yet still, because there are still evil influences in the world, my mind goes first to worry, THEN to God. I sincerely wish it was the other way around.
So today’s main worry is my “audition” for the band at church that’s coming up on Sunday. Right now, the band only has rehearsals on Sunday mornings before worship. I know how that can go sometimes…there would be weeks when we’d have to rehearse like that at Covenant, and sometimes those days can be very hectic! I’m worried that there won’t actually be time for me. Which I know is a selfish worry, but I really want to be a part of this, and I know if God has that in His plans, then it will happen.
They’re also all really good musicians. Not that the musicians at Covenant aren’t (they’re fantastic, actually, and these guys are close to the same talent), I guess it’s just that I know them and they know me, and they were (and are, and probably always will be :)) patient with me when I don’t know the right musical terms, or am not sure how to convey what I’m thinking. Some of them are downright mind readers, really! And since I don’t know these guys, I don’t know how they’ll react to my shortcomings, and if my shortcomings will outweigh my talents and abilities.
I’m also worried—and this, to me, is the craziest one—because there’s actually going to be another gal there this week. (It's usually an all-dude band) Why does this worry me? For one…it’s someone to immediately compare me to. I’m there, she’s there….they can immediately say “oh, well, Amanda’s not doing [this or that] as well as she does” etc. Yeah, I know. As I’m writing this I’m feeling kinda crazy, so I know that’s probably what you’re thinking too. Another reason is because I’ve had some negative experiences with other females in this type of setting before. I’ve had some tell me, “You’re singing my part”, "You're not doing that right" (without offering help to fix it) and things like that, that made me feel very insecure. Now, I know this girl isn’t one of the ones who has done stuff like that to me, and I bet she’s going to be wonderfully nice, but my mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario, cuz that’s just how my mind works.
I don’t know. All of that said, I’ve been a bit tense this week. I know that some people’s first instinct is to judge, and I hope that you don’t. I hope instead that you might say a little prayer for peace for me. And to remember this in other situations where people in your life are consumed with something that you find to be petty….to pray that they can overcome what it is they’re struggling against! That could be exactly what they need….
I've tried to write a few posts lately, but just haven't found the words. Or haven't had the motivation to finish the post(s) after starting. God has definitely been showing Himself in our lives lately, and has blessed us in many ways. Why, then, am I not feeling blessed?
I've always been a bit of a perfectionist ("a bit" might be an understatement). The first time I really remember feeling this way was in 2nd grade, when I really wanted my rocket to reach the moon (an incentive-type program done by my teacher). In fact, I remember crying when my rocket didn't move (or went backwards, I can't remember, that was a LONG time ago). My parents even had me tested for ulcers because I had lots of stomach aches, and they thought I was stressing myself out to the point of getting ulcers. How old are you in 2nd grade, 8? I was already doing this to myself at 8?
In a way, it got better AND worse as I got older. I still hated to get bad grades (I started freaking out around B-/C, lol), but my world also started to expand. If I said something stupid, I beat myself up over it. If someone bullied me or made fun of me, I beat myself up over whatever imperfection they decided to point out that day. (On a side note, something has got to be done to stop bullying. It almost single-handedly ruined part of my childhood, and although I was blessed enough to have a loving family, and to NOT be in a place where harming myself or someone else was an option, not all those who are bullied are.)
At any rate...I am hard on myself. I expect perfection of myself, and I have high expectations of myself as far as helping others is concerned. (This is more or less me in a nutshell. If you've never heard of this, take one of the free tests, and let me know what you are :)) And if I don't live up to my own (typically impossibly high) expectations, I can't forgive myself. Even though I know that God has forgiven me, my husband has forgiven me (though he usually tells me there's nothing TO forgive), I just keep beating myself up over it.
So, even when blessings flow generously from God, I sometimes can't see them...because I can't see past my own imperfections. God gives us a little extra money one month....I can't forgive myself for spending that on a dinner out instead of saving it. God gives me some extra time off....I can't forgive myself for taking that time to rest instead of doing something productive.
I've been noticing this about myself for a while now, and knowing IS half the battle (GI Joe....) but now it's time to actually DO something about it. I need to realize that not every penny needs to be saved. Not every minute needs to be productive. I mean, saving is important....productivity is important...but so is having fun and resting with my friends and family. I need to learn balance. I need to learn to just sit back and soak it all in. I need to learn to see the blessings in EVERYTHING, and to thank God for them every day! I need to learn how to powerfully end a blog post, because it's the hardest part of posting! ;-)
