I've had a lot of blog topic ideas floating through my head for the last few weeks. But I've admittedly been a) lazy and b) horribly, terribly busy at work. I'm still both of these things, but I was inspired by something yesterday, and feel the need to write about it.
Unless you've completely blocked me on facebook, you've heard me talk about our church and the series that we're getting ready to finish up called Decades. It's been a TON of fun (see Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C...I could go on, but you get the picture) and there have been some great messages. But yesterday's really hit me in an interesting way.
Yesterday, we were in the 90s, which can be described as the decade of greed. At one point during the sermon, we were encouraged to take some time and consider what we were being greedy with in our own lives, and talk to God about it. As I was thinking, the usual suspects crossed my radar...money, time, time with Jeremy...and then something I wasn't quite expecting...my singing.
I talked a little about music a few weeks ago, so I'll try not to repeat myself too much. But suffice it to say...music is a huge part of my life, and is quite important to me.
I'm not greedy with it like I can be greedy with money or time. With money and time, I want to keep them, and not give them away. With music, I want to give it away perhaps too much. I want to be able to participate all the time. If I had it my way, I'd be up on that stage most every Sunday.
And while I'm admitting my greed, might as well hit up some of the other deadly sins! I'm quite prone to envy also. I am incredibly blessed to serve with some amazing singers and musicians, and can find myself falling into the envy trap. "If only I could sing as well as...." "If only I had the confidence of..." "I wish I could be up there with them singing this song..."
I've really been in tune with this envy and greed--though I would never have thought to call it greed until yesterday--for the past few months. However, with all that was going on with the loss of Nathan, I put it on the back burner. I finally started praying a few weeks back that God would help me with these issues. That He would help me remember that there are many incredibly talented and passionate vocalists He has called to serve who probably love it as much as--if not more than!--I do. If I were to sing every week, there wouldn't be a place for these folks. I've also been praying that God will help me to remember that He uniquely gifted me, and I'm not supposed to sound like anyone else. I'm supposed to sound like me...for better or for worse.
The one phrase that stuck out to me the most was this:
"The antidote to greed is trust."
I need to trust God to use me how HE sees fit, not how I see fit. (And back to my money and time issues...trust that He will provide. I have all that I need for today.)
I know that God will help me with this...what I am really, really hoping is that I will accept His help, and not be stubborn like I can be so, so often. And that I will learn to really, truly appreciate the time that I get to spend in this ministry and remember that it's a privilege and not something that I'm somehow entitled to. And even more importantly, remember that while it's fun and enjoyable, it's ultimately not about me and my desires anyways.
(And on an unrelated note, 16 weeks today. And I still miss him.)
