Expectations

I've tried to write a few posts lately, but just haven't found the words.  Or haven't had the motivation to finish the post(s) after starting.  God has definitely been showing Himself in our lives lately, and has blessed us in many ways.  Why, then, am I not feeling blessed?  


I've always been a bit of a perfectionist ("a bit" might be an understatement).  The first time I really remember feeling this way was in 2nd grade, when I really wanted my rocket to reach the moon (an incentive-type program done by my teacher).  In fact, I remember crying when my rocket didn't move (or went backwards, I can't remember, that was a LONG time ago).  My parents even had me tested for ulcers because I had lots of stomach aches, and they thought I was stressing myself out to the point of getting ulcers.  How old are you in 2nd grade, 8?  I was already doing this to myself at 8?


In a way, it got better AND worse as I got older. I still hated to get bad grades (I started freaking out around B-/C, lol), but my world also started to expand.  If I said something stupid, I beat myself up over it.  If someone bullied me or made fun of me, I beat myself up over whatever imperfection they decided to point out that day.  (On a side note, something has got to be done to stop bullying.  It almost single-handedly ruined part of my childhood, and although I was blessed enough to have a loving family, and to NOT be in a place where harming myself or someone else was an option, not all those who are bullied are.)


At any rate...I am hard on myself.  I expect perfection of myself, and I have high expectations of myself as far as helping others is concerned.  (This is more or less me in a nutshell.  If you've never heard of this, take one of the free tests, and let me know what you are :))  And if I don't live up to my own (typically impossibly high) expectations, I can't forgive myself.  Even though I know that God has forgiven me, my husband has forgiven me (though he usually tells me there's nothing TO forgive), I just keep beating myself up over it.


So, even when blessings flow generously from God, I sometimes can't see them...because I can't see past my own imperfections.  God gives us a little extra money one month....I can't forgive myself for spending that on a dinner out instead of saving it.  God gives me some extra time off....I can't forgive myself for taking that time to rest instead of doing something productive.  


I've been noticing this about myself for a while now, and knowing IS half the battle (GI Joe....) but now it's time to actually DO something about it.  I need to realize that not every penny needs to be saved.  Not every minute needs to be productive.  I mean, saving is important....productivity is important...but so is having fun and resting with my friends and family.  I need to learn balance.  I need to learn to just sit back and soak it all in.  I need to learn to see the blessings in EVERYTHING, and to thank God for them every day!  I need to learn how to powerfully end a blog post, because it's the hardest part of posting!  ;-)