First, I guess it's possibly time to stop just posting the number of weeks since losing Nathan, as folks are starting to think I'm pregnant again. It's a fair assumption, but no. Not pregnant.
And now for my rant--I HATE ANXIETY. It sucks.
I've actually been doing mostly well over the past couple of weeks, since being back on some medication. I've had a few small incidents, but I've been able to talk myself down fairly quickly. But today was a little different. I had a slightly stressful morning...discovered that I had made a moderately important mistake, which for a perfectionist can be almost end-of-the-world epic, even though my boss was completely understanding and helped come up with a solution. I wasn't feeling noticeably stressed about it at this specific moment, but all of the sudden, I had a mild--but sharp--pain in the center of my chest, and then felt tingling that moved from the top of my head down to the bottom of my toes. All in all, these physical symptoms lasted at most 10-15 seconds, but then my brain took over. It was thankfully about lunch time, so I clocked out and went for a 30-minute walk. And talked to my mom on the phone. And just generally tried to convince myself that it was just a panic attack. And most of me knows that it was. But the part of me that triggers panic attacks sometimes has a hard time understanding that.
All sorts of fears enter my brain, mostly about dying. Is that bad? Is it bad that, as a Christian, I'm scared of dying? I mean, I want to go to heaven. I'm looking forward to heaven. I just always imagined going there at some lovely age like 90 or something. Not 32.
At any rate. I was mostly able to stay calm for the rest of the afternoon, but I just hate that I had this episode. It can be so paralyzing. I know I said in an earlier post that I knew this was going to happen eventually, given everything that's happened in the past year. But then I got to thinking today how completely unfair it is. This sucks! First, I had to lose two precious babies, and now I have to deal with this anxiety on top of the lingering grief. How is this even OK? And I know life's not fair, and I know God never said it'd be easy, but that doesn't mean that I can't be a little angry about it at times.
And that's where I am. I'm angry. And I'm sad. And I'm scared. And I'm sick of being all of these things.
Will you pray for me? For us? Because Lord knows Jeremy is a SAINT for putting up with me through all of this.
I love you guys.
of course we will pray. And no it's not strange to be afraid of dying as long as it's the process and not the end result :-D
ReplyDeleteAnd we all love you, Amanda!! No, it is not crazy as a Christian to want to live....it's not crazy at all....especially when down deep you know God has work for you to do. Remember, He has plans for you, not to harm you, but to prosper you. Let the anticipation of all the good to come overpower the panic, grief, and confusion. It's OK. It's a process, and you will get through it. Hang in there, kiddo!!
ReplyDeleteIt's totally okay to fear dying as long as you aren't afraid of being dead (or alive as the case may be at that point). When you got a husband like yours, I wouldn't want to take off. Tell brother husband I love him. Love you too, though it feels a little like I'm cheating on him to say it. Praying for peace for you.
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