Perfection

I've been thinking about perfection a lot lately.  I've written about it a bit before, so I won't go into all of those details again.  I also mentioned a little bit about my enneagram type, but not much.  I shall elaborate a bit.  :)

The enneagram is a personality inventory, a bit similar to the more well-known Myers-Briggs.  This is one of my favorite sites on the subject (and even has a few free tests to determine your type...if you take it, let me know what you are!).

I'm a 2 (with a 1 wing, if you want to get specific) which is the helper.  Among many of the positive and negative traits of 2s is the fear of being unwanted and/or unloved (it should be noted, as a bit of irony, that Amanda means worthy of love).  At our best, we help and love unconditionally.  At our worst, we become manipulative and self-serving.  My 1 wing brings in the perfectionistic part.  I want to help (in some cases, I "need" to help), and I want to do it perfectly.

Yeah.

Lately I've been having issues with this particularly in my home life and in my singing.  I feel bad when my house isn't clean (which is practically all the time) or when I don't cook dinner, even if there are valid reasons, such as working incredibly late hours.  I feel bad if I hit a bum note when singing, or miss a lyric, even if it goes mostly unnoticed.  Imagine, then, how I feel when I *really* mess up.  It ain't pretty.

I've been trying to give myself more grace lately.  That's something one of my doctors reminded me to do about a month after we lost Nathan.  Yes...I needed to continue to focus on my health, but I also needed to remember not to be so hard on myself.

For me, the balance between trying to be perfect and completely giving up is so hard.  If I'm not focusing my energy on it, it's an either/or thing for me.  If I can't be perfect, I might as well not do it at all.  My most impending example of this is the song I'm leading tomorrow at church.  It's a difficult one for me vocally, as it spends some time down in the basement of my range.  I've been focusing all week on the what ifs..."what if it sounds horrible?", "what if I can't even squeak out the lowest of the low notes?".   But that's just it.  What if those things actually happen?  The world won't end, people won't decide to UN-follow Jesus, friends won't ditch me, my husband won't divorce me, God won't shut the doors of heaven to me.  Point is, if I mess up, that's all that happens.  And people see that I'm not perfect.  And I'm trying to be OK with that.

(We'll discuss my affinity for worrying about what other people think about me on another day ;-))